The reason for writing about this now is because of a conversation I had with Jaimi the other day. We were talking about the past few very trying days she has had with children: smearing lotion all over this, dumping shampoo out all over that, using markers on things that should never have markers on them, etc., etc.
We talked about ways to discipline, talking with children, and parental patience. I then asked Jaimi if she knew my philosophy behind the use of "the spoon." She didn't. And so, perhaps, you don't either. Here is what you may have never known about "The Spoon."
Sometimes we grow up being disciplined in a way that was not "the best" and so we choose to repeat history, or to change it. I opted to change it. When Denzel was 2 1/2 years old, Dad swatted his bottom for something. Denz, put his balled up fists on his hips and defiantly said, "SO, THAT DIDN'T HURT!" I immediately thought, "Perhaps this is how parents learn to beat their children...'Well, then, I'll MAKE it hurt!'" I did NOT want to ever go down that road. I read a ton of parenting books, and talked to lots of people.
A wonderful lady I STILL think so much of taught me about "the spoon." Here's how it works:
When a child is WILLFULLY disobedient - meaning he knows what he is doing is wrong and chooses to do it anyway - he gets disciplined with the spoon. But there are strict guidelines.
First - the spoon has to be large and scary looking.
Second - the child must go get it himself out of the kitchen drawer (it helps to have it close where the children are familiar with it..."an ounce of prevention" simply by way of knowing it's there!) While the child is retrieving the spoon, Mom has the opportunity to quickly review if she is DISCIPLINING or PUNISHING. The spoon is a teaching tool, nothing else.
Third - Once the child brings the spoon, Mom asks the child to explain why he is getting a spank. (If he has no idea why he is getting the spank, it's a punishment and not discipline.) This conversation should be calm and instructive. "Did you know you shouldn't do that?" "What would have been a better choice?" "Do you know I love you?" "Will you try to make a better choice next time?"
Fourth - Many times, the fear of "the spoon" is all that is needed. Occasionally, a very light tap may be beneficial. Seldom, but sometimes, ONE little swat is instructive.
FIFTH - After the discipline, give a love to the child, and tell them you are sure they won't make that mistake again. Then they get to go put the spoon away and go about their playing.
(This form of discipline stopped when each child turned 8 years old. There were times that you wished you could get a swat rather than do the work, be grounded, or lose driving privileges, but that was the way Dad and I chose to handle things...)
Now, sometimes when I "feel badly" that maybe I wasn't a very good mother, I think back to all the times at dinner when "the spoon" becomes a source of conversation and laughter as you kids revel in your "remember when" stories. I have to remind myself that "the spoon" must have done it's job: it helped ME to calm down and not hit my children, and MY HAND was never associated with hitting or slapping. (Well, once, right Brandon?) AND that you laughed when you each received your own SPOON as a Christmas gift two years ago!
I love each of you children SO very much. I am excited to see you raise your families and pray for your peace and tranquility!!
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