RELATIONSHIPS

A professor of psychology at University of Washington conducted a study where volunteer couples each moved into a special condominium that was a laboratory for observing their behavior.  The "natural" interactions of these couples were observed as they went through their daily routines.  With a 93% accuracy the professor could predict if a couple would be happily married, miserable, or divorced within four years.

In the successful relationships there was a big general finding: Positive attention outweighed negative on a daily basis by a factor of five to one.  "This positive attention wasn't about dramatic actions like throwing over-the-top birthday parties or purchasing a dream home.  It took the form of small gestures, such as

• using a pleasing tone of voice when receiving a phone call from the partner, as opposed to an exasperated tone or a rushed pace that implied the partner's call was interrupting important tasks
• inquiring about dentist appointments or other details of the other person's day
• putting down the remote control, newspaper, or telephone when the other partner walked through the door
• arriving home at the promised time--or at least calling if there was a delay"

Another reminder that hit home in this article was the caution to not praise your spouse (or family member) only for their actions.  I remember a situation when I was home between semesters of college.  At dinner one night my dad listed off things that he liked about my mom (it felt like he was completing an assignment from a counseling session...), and instead of making me feel good inside, I felt sad.  What I heard was a list of the things my mom did: cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc.  It was a stark realization to me that my dad didn't say anything about loving WHO SHE WAS.  We are NOT what we do!!  A quote from the article said, "If your partner receives compliments only for the services he provides, he may begin to feel like an employee."  AMEN!  

One of the things I have always felt, and told Dad, is, "I LOVE BEING WITH YOU!"  or "I am so glad we are in this together!"  And he tells me similar things.  It really isn't about what we DO, but who we are together.

I hope this helps you in YOUR relationships!

Love,

Mom