Denzel's Birthday!!

November 17, 2012

Happy Birthday my son!  Can I tell you again, for the millionth time, how much I miss you?  How much
we ALL miss you?

So I’ve been thinking about the 31 years, 5 months, and 13 days that made up your life here on earth.  There sure are lots of good memories…and some stinky ones, too!  Go figure!!

When I was pregnant with you I was SO worried I wouldn’t be a good mom.  Over the course of the years, even when you were mad at me, you reminded me that I really was a “good mom” by the way you loved me.  Thank you!  And how you adored your dad!  You looked up to him, you admired him, you wanted to be like him.  What you didn't see was how very much you are like him!

And what a great big brother you ARE.  How many times did you and I talk about how hard it was at times for you not to have a “big brother,” but you did your part well for your younger brothers and sisters.  And, you “sacrificed” for them by being the “first born” and knocking off  many of the “rough edges” on your mother so the rest of the kids didn't have to go through what you did!!  I guess YOU were tough enough to “take the hit,” too! *_*

There are SO many memories, for which I will always be grateful!  Sometimes I have twangs in my heart that we weren’t able to give you the “things” that seemed so important during some of your high school years.  I wish I would have been smart enough THEN to know that it was okay to not be able to afford those things.

But I have always felt great peace about what we DID give you:  two parents who love each other; the gospel of Jesus Christ; a foundation of spiritual strength that cannot be bought; a family who did lots of things together and made lasting memories; a father who came home at night, sang you songs, played games with you, answered questions, and told you stories at bedtime; we gave you music, siblings (lots of them!), we taught you how to cook, sew, clean; you learned how to mow lawns, plant a garden, move woodpiles (even when they didn’t need moved!), and wash every window in the house. 

And you discovered a lot on your own: like how to put out a fire INSIDE the house; how to baptize a CAR; how to get a good reaction out of your mother when you stuckout your tongue and hardware was attached (which wasn’t nearly as good as the time you called me from work to say “I’m going to be a dad…just kidding…I got a tattoo and just wanted you to realize it could be worse!!”); let’s see…you also learned how to take apart a car, and move it inside your apartment to work on it; how to light bottle rockets off inside your apartment, aimed UNDER the bathroom door…while the bathroom was occupied by someone else!! And you learned how to NOT climb a cliff in the dark and fall off of it!!  By the way, how many phone calls have we had that started out something like, “Hi mom, are you sitting down?”  And I finally started responding with, “I HATE these kind of phone calls!!”

When you were a toddler I came across a piece of sheet music in Provo that I bought.  Every time I played it on the piano I cried.  The words to the song ripped my heart out.  The title was “That Little Boy of Mine” and I always pictured having to sing it at your funeral.  I think I threw it away last year.  Glad I did.  I would never have been able to get through THAT song.  

I guess, in some ways, I have prepared for your death for the past 30 years.  It didn’t make it easier!!  

There are some things that we just can’t “fix” and so we have to learn how to deal with them.  I am learning to put the difficult things in a “box” and leave it in the corner.  I choose to remember the many, many good memories we have together, and only occasionally open the box of difficult things.  They are important, too.  The thorns we experience through hardship, heartache, trials, sadness, disappointment, and grief help us TRULY appreciate the roses of peace we have because of our love, our family, and our eternal bonds to each other.  

Oh how I love you, my son!  I am so very grateful for the day you were born into my life!  I just wish you were here, so I could see your smile, pat your cheeks, rub the whisker stubble on your face, and have you wrap your arms around me.  

Love,
Mom